And we have a baby!

On Oct 20th, 2008 at 1:49am our baby Connor Norman Sandhals was born. It's taken me quite awhile to record this in the blog due to the fear he might wake up and freak out while I'm waiting for my stupid computer to open up and let me in. I had started writing down the whole story in it's entirety but soon realized that would take forever and I'd lose you at page 12. So I'm going to wirte about the various elements of having Connor and hope that I can remember everything just the way it was....

Water Breakage. Oct 18th 6:30pm,

It happened in the old fashioned way, I was lying on my couch watching tv with a odd feeling that my water was breaking. It had been nagging at me all day and as I lay there watching god knows what, you know what happened. It was a gush. It was the type of gush you read about but always wonder if it will happen to you. Stu and I sat there for a bit wondering what we should do. Do you call the doctor right away? Do you act cool and wait? We called the doctor. We were never that cool anyhow. Dr Michel advised us to come to the hospital and get checked out, she wanted to make sure the baby was comfortable and whatnot. At the hospital I was in one of my funny moods where everything is a one liner waiting to be hatched. I had the various nurses and doctors laughing and was feeling really good. Labour has got nothing on me. But of course I hadn't started having contractions and was just being a huge smart ass.

The doctors seemed really keen on me losing my mucus plug and having some sort of blood come out as well but I was disappionting them so they sent me home until the real show starts.

We went home and to my suprise I had a few more biblical gushes of water breakage. And finally the other crap that the doctors were so hoping for showed up as well. Having your water break is alot like if you were to pee yourself at the tender age of 78, you have no control and you just have to let it out. I could feel the trickle and if I talked or tightened my stomach in any way it was flood pants time.

For a new mother this is the moment when all your privacy and mystery goes out the door, you are no longer 'hot chick' you are now a mom, covered in crap and taking care of business.

Contractions:

At about 2:20am the contractions finally started, small at first they felt more like mild cramps than my uterus trying to eject my baby but I knew that would not last long. I was right. By 4:30am they got worse and by 9am I was on my way back to the hospital for fear of what a car ride there might feel like had we waited any longer.

Little did I realize at this point that the labor I was feeling was back labor too, so for any of you reading this please take with a grain of salt cause you very well could have it alot easier than me. Back labor is felt mostly in the lower back area and the best releif is to push on this area as hard as you can with anything you can jam in there. I chose the corner of the wall and then later discovered the hidden wood beam in the back of the couch. At the hospital it was still a funny time for me, between the contractions I was telling jokes, laughing, and craving snacks. They put me in a sexy gown and mesh one size fits all underwear that I still have stashed in my drawer, I am saving that for a special occasion....... We called Jamie to see where she was at, she was visiting her family in Comox and trying to get to me as fast as possible. My contractions at that point were 4 min apart, I think it was about 10am on Sunday. It's funny to remember that when I told Jamie how far apart they were she said ok ok I'm going to be there as soon as possible, thinking of course that I would have the baby any second, not realizing that there was still about 18 hours to go. So Stu and I are hanging out in the hospital and going through our paces, the pain is increasing with every contraction that I have. So it's 12 noon and no baby yet, I opt for the morphine/gravol cocktail as I cannot seem to grasp my breathing anymore and my back is killing me. I highly recommend this, it was just enough to take the edge off but not enough to fuck you up and make you a drooling vegetable. Also it alowed me to rest between the blows. Jamie finally arrived and the fun began to start, I tell you she was amazing. She manned my back like no body's business, and she did it for hours, just over 12 to be exact. I really don't know what Stu and I would have done without her. After every contraction she'd force me to drink poweraid and offer me candy to keep my strength up. She helped me with the various birthing positions and even stuffed my frog, Fergus, down my pants and took a picture. If anyone has a baby on the way please hire Jamie, it would be a disservice to your unborn not to.

Labor Positions.

There's always a way you imagine having a baby. Some people want to be lying down, some squating, some get to have water births. I always thought that I would be the typical girl on her back from start to finish. Well because Connor was turned around and facing up not down (not breach but flipped over) I had to move alot durring my very painfull contraction period. One to speed up the process and two to get the little bugger to move to the right place. So the nurses gave us a few ideas and away we went. I say this with gusto now but at the time I wanted to die. There was the stand up and walk around, they had suggested the hallway, I never even attempted the door. Instead I walked around the end of my bed then would brace for impact. It worked the way they wanted but hurt like a bitch. Then there was the kneel over the top of the bed move. This one had the bed adjusted so the top was upright and me kneel over it, I liked this one more as I could bite the pillow I was on while my body tried to murder me every 3-5 min. After a while though it doesn't matter what you do all you want is to lie down again. I remember asking Jamie if it was ok to do so at one point, she had a baby 5 months earlier and her opinion was the only one I cared to listen to. I love her, she let me lie down. We also tried the yoga ball, I think I liked this one too but for some reason we didn't use it too much. You honestly do forget alot, but for the shear amount of pain I was in it's not suprising.

Oh and by the way, this whole time your also bleeding and having to wear giant maxi pads- hospital issue. And it's true when they say you really don't give a shit. I also lost the ability to pee and had to have a temporary cathiter put in, sweet relief!

The Nurses:

In true form I was judging all the nurses that came into the room and rating them on a scale of Liked A lot, to Totall Hated. I don't care how many pregnant ladies come through your doors and how long you've been doing this, I want to be treated like a person dammit. So we had one nurse, Heather, and we loved her. I say we cause the three of us would comment on them as soon as they left the room. Heather was supportive and kind, and remembered the little things. She even came to see Connor the next day cause her shift was over before he was born. The one nurse we hated I can't remember the name of, mostly cause she didn't introduce herself. She would leave the jelly on my stomach after each heartrate check, even when Stu would be poised next to her to wipe it off. She also was one of those kind of people that feel compelled to tell you the hard knock truth like you were too stupid to already know that. "well it's supposed to be painfull," god I hate thoes people. There was a student nurse in the room with us too, I adored her, she had a great sense of humor and she remembered what it was like to be a person and treated us accordingly.

And of course honorable mention goes to the head nurse that was mentoring the student, she was the gem that told me to relax my legs while they were pulled back to my ears and spread wide open trying to push a baby out.

Transition Labor and Ze Pushing.

After what seemed like hours and turned out to actually be that long I finally went into transition labour. It was somewhere around 10pm and my contractions were maybe 30-45 seconds apart. Stu and Jamie could answer that one better for you as I was in a very basic and primal state of mind. I could hear what people were saying and I had a comeback for all of it but no energy to contribute. Which in hindsight is a very good thing as those people had their hands in my no zone and could really do some long lasting damage... Connor was still facing the wrong way and I was dialating nicely. We had to get him to spin around but no matter what I tried he wouldn't do it. He gets that from both of us, stubborn know it alls. I got phentanol put into my IV and the first time I could tell it was there, doing what I have no clue but it was there. In all fairness I'm pretty sure it helped me pass out between contractions but seeing how they were so close together it really was more of a placebo for me. The second round of phentanol I didn't notice at all, this is mainly cause it was crazy psyco pushing time! Yippie!

They tell you that you'll know when it's time to push, and you wait and wait for what seems like hours but is really only minutes for this magic feeling. You start to trick yourself that you've felt something or that you'll never feel it and your one of those special cases that needs extra attention and love. But believe you me it was a very precise feeling. Kinda like when you got the trotts and your have to get on the can asap or the shit will hit the fan. I knew it was time, I was pretty excited because this was it, I was going to have my baby. Somewhere in the reccese of my mind I still thought it would be like in the movies. I was dumb.

So when you are ready to push and you try a couple little ones on your own with the magic poop feeling as your guide you will find the room fills with people right fast. I had about 8 doctors and nurses in the room with us. Connor was in a delicate state and they had to monitor him constantly. All in all I ended up pushing for about 3 hours. I was told I had to pull my legs back and wide by grabbing the inside of my thighs. Hahaha assholes, they don't seem to care that you are in a huge amount of pain, or that you haven't been able to pull a stunt like that for at least 5 months and have no upper body strength. Nope, they want them right back and wide open, and it's never back or wide enough either. Ok I will stop talking about open wide back legs. How about I tell you that they ask you to relax these legs the whole time too? Oh yes, your pulling and pushing and trying to keep everything relaxed at the same time, and I will tell you right now they do not have any icecream for you at the end of this ordeal. Bastards.

They also slapped a oxygen mask over my face at one point. Never telling me that the baby needed it, just making me wear this horrible mask that was making my sweaty face extremely uncomfortable. So naturally I kept trying to take it off cause I hated it. Stu was very good and kept putting it back on, but really if someone would have just said that the baby needs it cause his oxygen is low I would have slapped 7 on my face. Jerks.

Your probably guessing by now I hate the people in the room with me, except for Stu and Jamie and the student nurse I wanted all of them to get hemroids.

So it's been awhile and I've been pushing, every push comes with some sort of scholding about how it wasn't good enough too, but not much coaching on how to make it better. Nurses like to yell. So they tell me that the baby isn't coming out properly and he's getting stressed, so they are going to call a specialist and he may need to use forecepts or the vaccum. In my head and what everyone should think is that they are liars and what they really mean is that they are going to actually end up doing a C-section. They of course never got to do that to me, the specialist walked in and told them to keep me pushing. Hahaha bitches! He sure told you!

Seeing how I don't trust them anymore I make up my mind to get my baby out of me as fast as possible. I was sick and tired of them trying to get someone to OK the easy road. So I pushed, and I pushed like I had never pushed before. The tone of the room changed automatically, now I had a cheering squad and they were so happy with me. Connor started to crown and I got to feel his slimey little head. So I pushed some more. All the while the nurses screaming GO GO GO then STOP STOP STOP! His cord was wrapped around his neck and they had to loosen it. All is well though. I pushed him out with ease and he was pretty pissed about the whole thing.

I got 3 stiches from the doctor, I hate the doctor but will leave it at that. My hands are cramping.

And we've got 13 days left...

13 days and counting, give or take a few of course. I think my family is in the habit of having early babies but I can't remember for sure. Place your bets. I have been neglecting my blog terribly and for that I am sorry, but it's odd how fast time flies. It's like I haven't stopped to smell the roses in eons. But I am finally off work now though so it should be a nice onslaught of upkeep over the next year or so. I do so love to talk about myself and my little creation. Connor is doing well, August and September have been filled with kicks, hiccups, and rolling knees and elbows. Hes also reading at a 12th grade level, and we're very proud but the books at that stage are pretty big so it's been quite the adjustment for me. I can't help myself. The acid reflux is continually finding it's way into my throat, and my magic pills are not nearly as effective as the bottle will say but really what's a girl to do? I now wash them down with a couple tums, it holds back whatever is in there until the pills dissolve and the acid is killed. We got the 3D ultrasound done in late August and got to see Connor trying to fit his foot in his mouth, a Friday night special obviously handed down to him from his dad. He's got the trademark Sandhals nose, cute as a button. Our child is going to win awards I tells ya!!!
It's odd realizing that I'm not going to be at work for the next year, I wonder what they are going to do without me... no more like I wonder what I'm going to miss. I won't miss the constant repetitive questions though. Seriously, why do people need to ask me if I'm excited all the time? What if I say no? What if I burst into tears? Seriously what a silly question. That and are you sure it's a boy. Yes we've seen the package. Are you sure? Yes. They can be wrong. F-off.
Pregnant people's hormones are not to blame for being curt, it's dumb people that are the main symptom.
And yes I am going to use cloth diapers, everyone seems to be more accepting of me forgoing the epidural than using cloth diapers. I'm going to use them and love them and tell everyone I know how great they are. People hear the words cloth diapers and automatically think that it's this crazy endeavour that is so time consuming that nothing else in the house will ever get done? Well call social services! It's going to take 2 min more than a disposable. And God forbid I have a extra load of laundry to do. Maybe it's cause I don't look like a hippie, it's like how some people are amazing I go camping. I get dirty. It's nasty but true. I just do it with flare. Bitches.
Well it looks like I need go relax, thinking of stupid people really gets my blood boiling.
Pictures will come soon.

July belly aches

In the last post I wrote about June, I miss summer so much around this time. I hate coats and sweaters. Oh well I guess time has to slip by so I can actually have this here baby and dress him in all the fancy duds I bought him.

In July I started to develop heartburn and acid reflux. Small episodes at first, nothing Rolaids or Tums couldn't fix. I thought it was quite amusing really, standing in the antacid isle of Thrifty's trying to decide what flavor, texture, and brand I wanted to go with. Sure Tums smoothies are great in mixed fruit flavor, but what about this mocha/chocolaty looking bottle? Good thing I went with the tried and true cause later I found out the mocha is like eating ass. In the most lady-like way of course. So this was part of my life now, making sure every heavy traffic area of my life was well stocked with Tums. Bottle in the car, one in my desk, and of course the window sill in the bathroom was decorated with a giant bottle that would glow in the early morning sun. Those were the easy days. By the end of July I had acid reflux so bad I was popping at least 10 Tums a day and it was really just a placebo more than anything. Upon reading the bottle I realized this was not normal, I needed help. My ears were in a constant state of burning, and my throat was on fire. I thought I was going to get some sort of tooth decay for sure cause this much acid in your system was not cool.

So Stu and I headed to the drug store, I thought for sure the pharmacist would have a cure. I was right. I walked up to the counter and a friendly woman addressed me, I told her I had acid reflux really bad and she told me to say no more. She explained that the other pharmacist she works with is just as pregnant as I am and she was having the same problem. Then she went to get this other poor soul for me to talk to. Not a minute later a beautiful angel appeared before us, glowing and pregnant and full of magic acid cures. Sounds like a bad musical from the 70's. She had a cure, it was over the counter and safe for all us pregnant ladies. I was so happy. So comfortable. And so looking forward to the rest of my pregnancy without burning ears and throat. Just take one every 12 hours as needed.

That magic cure lasted 3 weeks. It was getting worse again, I was doubling up on the antacid (checked with my doctor first of course) and it was not getting the results I had once experienced. I had to try to remember to take one before bed or else I was screwed by about 3am. My tummy was so full of juice that it ached in the morning. What to do what to do.

I went to my doctor last Monday, told her of my woes, and she gave me the industry strength goods. The only thing that sucks is now I have to take them everyday, twice a day. If I wait a bit too long between the pill popping I'm screwed for a couple hours while I wait for the pill to battle down the acid. But in the end it is better. Only 8 more weeks give or take and it will be gone.

I'm still pretty lucky all things considered, of all the crap we go through when growing our babies this is the worst for me. I've had it easy, I know this.

It's been awhile...

Well I knew I would neglect my blog and I'm not proud of it. It's hard though when it's summer and you move.... Ok so the rest of June was pretty good. We found a really nice house to live in and spent the month packing and getting ready. We also were preparing to go to Calgary and Vernon for a couple weeks. My belly was going through some pretty uncomfortable growth spurts and the line between my boobs and belly was the epicenter of this discomfort. It felt like I had an exposed rash all the time but nothing was there. I'd find myself throughout the day pushing down on the top of my belly trying to magically spread this feeling thin. No use. Other than that horrible feeling my back hurt. Oh how did my back hurt. I try and recall it clearly now but really should have been better at keeping this thing updated. But I was seeing my RMT regularly and he suggested I stop standing with my butt stuck out. It was that easy, push your hips inwards and stand like your trying to show off some imaginary high-waisted jeans and your golden. This of course was easy for me as I spend a great deal of my life impersonating Lorraine from Mad TV. It was also pretty amusing to me that my back troubles originated from years of sticking my butt out for the world to behold, it does have a mind of it's own though so really it was not my fault.

July 1st finally arrived and we said goodbye to Brentwood Bay, maybe not goodbye but see you later... We loved it there, I highly recommend living out that way. So calming.

A couple good friends helped us out that day and we got her done in record time. Stu even let me move some stuff that was heavier than a pillow but lighter than a bowling ball. At this point life was fresh and new and fancy free. Connor is growing like a weed and sure my back was hurting and my belly was pushed up to my ears but he was kicking and healthy and that was the best feeling in the world.

It's funny to look back at pictures from a couple months ago and remember how big you thought you were. I should make a flip book, watch me grow. The pics above are from June, just before we moved...

The newest thing I had to start being aware of was my sleeping position. Everywhere you read about sleeping with a baby in your belly tells you the right side is BAAADDD, why then did god make it so damn comfy? I guess there's a vein in there that you have to avoid sleeping on or you get numb legs and arms and then lovely vericose veins. They also mention something about sleeping flat on your back is bad too but there are countless mornings when I would wake up from the best sleep ever and then have a slight panic attack realizing I was starfished, flat on my back, legs not elevated. After a short time though you come to realize you can try and do what the books say or you can get some sleep. Opt for the latter. You can't hide from vericose veins, and the baby will take what he needs to get by. The proof is in the pudding. I love pudding.

No turning back

Not that I'd really want to turn back, it's just that there's a weekly revalation that I can't. I suppose if it came down to it I could sell my baby, but that seems like more work than it's worth so I'll just raise it and love it and then kick it out at 18. I guess with current trends it's going to be more like 24. Shit. It's funny though, you always think about how life will change, but until you have one of these little bundles growing inside you...... it's just different. I wish I could slow everything down and be able to record every moment. I love being pregnant so far, even what my boobs have been doing in the last week is pretty freakin amazing. Connor is kicking up a storm and people are finally able to feel him. It was a little freaky the first couple times I could feel him, there is a person inside me and one day he will go forth in the world and do things that I have done. Like eat iced tea mix from the jar and get a job in a crappy restraunt. Will he be great? Will he be healthy? Will he be a jerk and never stop kicking me?
At least you know that for the first 5 years they are all yours, mom and dad are the two coolest people in the universe and there's nothing they can't do! After that we gotta roll with the punches and try to keep up to how cool everyone else's parents are.

There's a boy inside me!

The doctor thinks I'm huge. On Monday I had a check up and a twin scare. Besides being enormous our Doc thought she heard two heartbeats, so off to the ultrasound with all sorts or baby adventure to think about. As it turns out I just have a huge baby, we'll get into that in a moment though. It's a boy! So Connor it is and no need to edit my previous blogs. Load off my mind. Twins would have been fun right up until I had them and then panic would ensue. Mostly I would worry about them being born too early and having sick babies, that and of course the worry that someone would buy us a stroller and it would be the double wide type. God I hate those strollers, your always in the way! But thankfully we have a healthy little man, the pics I added are pictures of the pictures as we haven't had them photocopied yet. The ultrasound itself was a stupid and nasty experience that I won't go into with much detail, I'll just say Ronda sucks. OOOOOHHHHH take that Ronda! I feel better now.

So we have a big baby, the stupid tech figured he was a week further than we thought and Stu was informed that he has a lineage of giant babies in his family. 12lbs, 10lbs, 9lbs..... only sweet dear Chris was smaller so I figure I have a 5% chance of having the dream birth where you sneeze and the baby slips out. That totally happens right? And on the day you want too? And they come out wearing really cute sleepers and say "I love you mom"? That's why I signed up for this in the first place you know. Shit I have a feeling I'm gonna get ripped off.

So househunting is continuing, we've seen a few places that are pretty ideal but it adds so much when you know that your going to have a larvae that grows into a crawling bundle of curiosity. I need outlet covers and baby gates! I find I freak out and need to prepare for events that won't happen for about a year from now. I'm a good little planner.

Got Baby?

It's been a while since the last blog and I knew this would happen. I got the lazy. I hope I don't get the lazy with our baby and skip vital things like changing it, or worse buying it new clothes to grow into. There is nothing worse than having to cut off the toes of all your shoes to make them fit. Trust me. Maybe to keep it simple I will fashion baby in bags and boxes, we always have so many around. I am one good mother. Good thing people were made to pick up on things, I heard a story from a guy at work about a kid somewheres that was totally isolated from the outside world. When doctors were examining her they found she was only talking gibberish, they could not make out one eligible word. Later other doctors discovered she was actually speaking Klingon. You know from Star Trek? At least I will be a better parent than those people. I am too lazy to learn Klingon. In other news..
Jamie has now had her baby! A beautiful little boy they have named Sullivan. Only 11 days late too. I have never seen someone in so much pain, I've seen a few people give birth but Jamie takes the cake on the pain threshold. She was a classic case, like us all, we think we can handle it and right at the moment we wise up and need the drugs it's too late and the little gaffer needs out now. It didn't help that family was waving jewelry and candy to him at the end of the ol' birth canal either, good incentives though don't you think? :) But he came out cooing and perfect, all 8 pounds 6 ounces of him.
As for our baby I'm not sure it's in there. The second trimester is supposed to be the best as you are symptom free and feeling fine. Well I want to feel my baby!! Once in a while I can feel him squirm, it's similar to the good ol' fashion feeling of having to poop and not being sure if your going to make it to the can but in a much less severe way. We have a ultra sound on the 27th and hopefully we will be able to see what the sex is so I won't sound so crazy when I keep calling it a him. And if it's a girl I won't have too many blogs to edit to her before she's able to read.... being lazy though I might just leave that.
Sorry I don't have any new belly shots to post, I will leave you with a Jamie and Sullivan and perhaps some of our dog. He's so cute. MUAH!

Hearing the heart beat...

On monday we had our doctors appointment to hear the heart beat. People had warned me that it doesn't always work and not to be disappointed if it doesn't happen. But we heard it and we heard it good! Like a wee little pony running around inside my guts. It made it more real for sure, and I now wish I had recorded it. But there is a heart beating inside me and it belongs to a mini person that is also inside me. When that will cease to be totally F'd up I have no idea. I mean amazing......... that's right...... totally amazing. Besides that pregnancy goes on like normal. On a daily basis I wish I felt more pregnant, sure it comes with time but I hate the waiting game. Once I am nice and huge I'd like to stay there for a bit. I got my first bout of morning sickness one evening after a couple grilled cheese. Not really as bad as you'd think, the grilled cheese I mean not the puking. It has been the only time I was physically ill so far and because I'm me it will be the last. So there.
On a plus note my eye has finally stopped leaking! The worst of it is over!! I'm cured!
Ok I'm off to eat, oddly enough I still crave the grilled cheese. I will never learn.

It starts, the first 5-11 weeks

I should have known way earlier, and I guess I did but for some reason you wait. My boobs were sore for two weeks, everything I used to enjoy for breakfast now turned to the most bloating uncomfortable gas one could ever imagine, I got a cold sore, my roots were growing in like weeds, and then of course I had all these feminine products and no where to stick them. I am extremely attractive. But no still I wait, don't buy a test, don't give up beer night with Stu, I did give up the cereal of death though. I waited until Jamie told me. She's a mind reader, I trust that if she says so then I am. And then one night watching models she said so, next morning I took two tests to confirm, not that I needed to, and then went to the doctor after work to confirm even further. So I gots a baby in me, he's got arms and legs and lungs and a brain. Probably a huge know it all brain like his mom. Stu is over the moon and has won the baby naming rights, he picked a good one too. Connor. I'm convinced I'm hainvg a boy, I try to imagine having a girl and it's just not happening. I'm not so bull-headed to think it won't happen but for now it feel like a bouncing baby boy. I realize everything I think to be true can change and things I've sworn I'll never do I will probably end up doing so trying to warn me is futile not to mention extremely annoying.

One of the biggest things I fear in pregnancy is people telling me what I need to be doing, eating, not eating, feeling, fearing, and so on. If it happened to you doesn't mean it will happen to me. So far the best advise I got was from my best friend Jamers, "fuck that, everything in moderation that's all you need to do." God I love her.

I also love Tums Smoothies, so tasty. And Gas-X.

It seemed emidiate that I had to pee more, I have no desire for beer and have switched to a new thing called water. It's that shit that you wash dishes with, wierd hey? Stu was really worried about enjoying a frosty cold one in front of me but I assured him, when you have a baby inside you it's just different. I don't envy people that get to enjoy the vices of life (in moderation), I get to grown a person in me. And sure that person has heightened my sense of smell and made everyday life induce dry heaving and nausea, not to mention back up the works so that going to the bathroom feels like you ate glass, but I love him. I get to grow a person, the most primative f'd up thing one person can do in their lives and I get to be part of that club. The only complaint is now my right eye leaks all the time and I can't make up my mind when we go out to eat. It's SO anonying.

I held in my dirty little secret from work as long as I could, it's not easy. They say your suposed to wait until your 12 weeks, even I used to wonder why people would be so ballsy to start telling early. But it's hard to hold it in. You feel like someone will just notice and ask and then it's all over. So I got to 9 weeks and brought it to light, a few people knew early but you need a backbone. It was awesome to finally have people understand why your head hurts and you won't take advil, or why you can't eat the lunch you brought and you want to eat the lunch they brought, that imobilizing gas is now actually cute not embrassing, or why your freakin eye won't stop leaking. It's also great material for office stand up. Blaming baby for everything, touching people with your belly and saying how baby is touching them, pretending baby is on the phone..... the list goes on. It's awesome. It's not that I don't find pregnancy amazing and mysterious, I just also find it very funny. My baby has eyes and they are looking at my insides. Creepy little bugger.